in the beginning.....

retail: the sale of goods to ultimate consumers, usually in small quantities

small? what? my paychecks....then yes. small quantities is the correct word.

my first day on the job was filled with a lot of time wasting. seriously. 5 hours and what did i get done?

hmmmmm lets see:
-name tag CHECK
-loads of paperwork CHECK
-watching hours worth of useless fake people smiling til their face froze joker style all in the name of "customer service" and all the B.S. they try and sell you CHECK
-getting a tour of the store where you're expected to remember where everything is after the 2 minute sprint through while your trainer hurrys to get er done CHECK
-having a "class" on part of the department you will be working with CHECK
(here a "class" is where you learn ALL about the ins and outs of things such as pima vs supima, made in US vs made overseas, color, plush, price, crap, b.s. and oh more b.s.)
-being made to believe that the customers are number one and our first priority all while the manager looks like death warmed over with a side of bitter bitch "happy to greet!" CHECK
-learning how to greet by asking open ended questions CHECK

day 2-3

two words... ROLE PLAY. unfortunately not the kind you're thinking of. this is the kind that makes me want to inhale immense amounts of suckage. why the hell do I need to go through the awesome task of "greeting" my trainer with the fake greeting of "Hi! How are you doing today?" Or "What brings you into 'shall remain nameless'?" "Can I help you find anything?"

DARNIT!!!

Those are closed ended questions! Only ask open ended questions so there can always be a follow up question. Rule number 5,672. All of which the employees follow a whopping 2 of them but I am supposed to follow all of them.

I've already failed miserably.

Did I mention that customer service is number one? Oh yes. It is. Insert cheesy slogan....NOW!

G.O.T.A.P.E.N.!!

You got it! (Get it? Got it?....oh never mind) There it is. Rammed into my head over and OVER and OVER and its only day 2. Day three I was tested over it.....its sunk in about this much (see below):

G.reet every customer
O.ffer a cart
T.
A.lways wear your name tag!
P.ass the buck
E.
N.ever say no!

OH!!! Day 2 I got ladder certified AND....are you ready for this....box cutter certified.

That's right!! I'm too cool for you. I'm cer-ti-fied!! Or maybe just a little certifiable. Either way.

The fourth day I worked they threw me onto the floor with no one else there for 3 hours. Did I mention they had not gotten me access to the computer at this point yet? Yea...seriously. All morning I was running around trying to find crap I had no idea where crap was located. FINALLY when another "my department" girl showed up, I went from running around like a mad woman to sounding like a mad woman with.....you got it! Classes WITH role play!! super fantastically AWESOME. oooooo 5 more hours of MINIMUM WAGE! rakin in the big bucks here in the land of retail.


Tomorrow, I will begin the awesome retelling of all the awesome people I have encountered during my last awesome 4 weeks of working awesome retail. (name that movie!??)

I hope you will come back and enjoy reading the hopefully satirical retelling of my retailing my days away!!