Monday, April 16, 2012

I just couldn't stay away!!

You know, I just couldn't stand being away from all the drama and entertainment that IS retail. So, I quit my mediocre paying 8-5 to have flexible underpaid hours working again at the retail job here in my town. And now, we can ALL be entertained!! Yippy!

I tried asking for more money but as I joked about the $25/hour I would like to get paid, my manager informed me that he (who has been there for 6-8 years) doesn't even get that..........LOTS to look forward to in upper management!!

And here we go...

I'm in "training" and staying up at the customer ass wiping service desk. This is a place that I wouldn't send my worst enemy on a good day. It's where everyone who is entitled gets to grace us with their presence and they are never ever EVER wrong. And , my store helps them feel just that way.....ass kissers.

I digress. I am manning the battle stations when this cute little old lady walks in. I greet her with a smile and "Hi! How are you?". She greets me back with.....a look of shock and awe with the deepest judgement and the following interaction ensues.

Lady: "You guys are open on Easter Sunday???!!!!!!!"

Me: "I believe so. I haven't heard anything differently.' -Insert cheesy grin from moi.

Lady: "I just can't believe that you guys are open on Easter."

Me: "Yes. We are."

Lady: "Well, you guys are one day going to pay for this."

Me: Blank stare followed with a half giggle half are-you-really-saying-this grin.

Lady: "It's just sad. I can't believe this."

Me: Dumbfounded grin.

Lady: Well, I'm off to find some things! Have a great day!

First off....I am not working at this job because they are the Chic-fil-a of home product stores. I just recently found out that company is run by Jewish people. Who cares?!! I mean, it worth telling someone that they are going to burn in hell and pay for the sins of your company opening on such a sacred holiday?! I mean don't get me wrong...I'm Christian and Easter Sunday is the most important holiday for my faith. But geeeeezzzz! I will not pay for my store being open on Easter Sunday. I will in fact live a long happy life working for nominal ducats at a store that stays open on most major holidays.

Heathen in training signing off!
2:44:00 PMby Reta IL

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

not understanding.....

ok. so.

today we are not discussing any stories of awkward awesome people I've come in contact with recently....cause trust me...there are PLENTY!! We are talking about sheer stupidity of the CYA policy in the workforce and how a manager's laziness is my mistake.

so, early last week I filled out the proper forms to request an upcoming saturday this month off. I had prior plans that I needed to have the day off for. Fill out said paperwork. Put said paperwork into the proper spot for requesting leave. Wait for schedule to come out.

Now tell me this; if I am supposed to follow a certain procedure for acquiring days off, shouldn't I get those days off if requested in a proper time frame??


I checked the schedule when I got to work the other day and I was in fact scheduled to work on the day I needed off. Ok....notice this and talk to SM about it. He says talk to my immediate manager.

I did. She said she'd look at it.

She didn't.

Talk to another manager last night.

He says to get someone to cover my shift.

Excuse much?!! I did what I needed to do to get the day off and now because my manager flubbed up I am responsible for finding a replacement for my 8 hours shift on said saturday?!! You've. Got. To be. Kidding? This manager also tells me that instead of putting the request forms for days off in the spot designated for them, hand it directly to my immediate manager. Ummmmm I ain't no overly edumacated genious or anythang but I'm perty sure that's a bit confusin.

"Policy".  What's that?

I look at the schedule to find out who is NOT working saturday that could possibly fill in for me and whaddya know...only 1 other person could possibly take my shift...and quite frankly, she's not very good at her job (I just the other day had to show her how to work the computer and she has been there a YEAR!! Me....not even 2 months.) Why would I replace her with me? Gonna try anyways but will most likely have to reschedule my previous saturday plans for another day.

MY MISTAKE for having a life. I should have known better than to have a life outside of retail. What was I thinking??

Hey...lets look on the bright side!! Apparently hours are scarce these days and the fact that they scheduled me for 8 says something right??

Friday, April 22, 2011

i'm pretty sure your life is about to be over

affecting, ardent, disturbed, ecstatic, emotive, enthusiastic, excitable, exciting, falling apart, fanatical, feeling, fervent, fervid, fickle, fiery, heartwarming, heated, histrionic, hot-blooded, hysterical, impassioned, impetuous, impulsive, irrational, moving, nervous, overwrought, passionate, pathetic, poignant, responsive, roused, sensitive, sentient, sentimental, spontaneous, stirred, stirring, susceptible, tear-jerking, temperamental, tender, thrilling, touching, warm, zealous

all these words have something in common. they are all synonyms of the word EMOTIONAL. my favorite one was hot-blooded! haha!! sooooo true!

what gender do you think of when you read all those words? men?!! i think not. sorry ladies...its true. We emote more emotion in our little toe than men do all over their entire bodies over the course of their entire lives.

am i wrong??

so, imagine my incredible surprise one day during my first few days "shadowing" one of my department's employees when mr. emotional himself asked for some help in but not limited to the pillow section (the other help was simply put, the kind you have to pay for....we don't offer that here). This solemn faced man had us paged over the walkies for he needed advice on pillows. Why? Well, he had a smelly pillow.

Come again?

A smelly pillow. It wasn't him because well, he showered every time he went to bed. It wasn't the pillow case because he washed that several times with and without fabric softener so he knew it was the pillow. Okaay sooooo the other associate, we'll just call her "Bleep" because well, she could really give a "bleep" about what this guy was talking about. She just matter of factly showed him the gussets on this type of pillow and the feather consistency on this pillow and the price of that pillow and narrowed it down for him between the 2 least expensive down pillows. Oh but mr. on the verge of tears (yet have no clue as to why thus far) doesn't want to pay full price on both pillows that he needs so he won't buy them unless we can work him a deal.

Work you a deal at "shall remain nameless"? We are a nation wide retail chain...we are not a privately owned company with the luxury to wheel and deal with all of our customers...and dude. SERIOUSLY! We have an awesome coupon policy. DO have a coupon. Just the one huh? No, we still can't use that one coupon on BOTH pillows. That's not how our policy works. SO SORRY you can't read the fine print. Yes....Bleep will go get the manager to appease ask for your sweet little heart that just seems to be about to break. Those puppy dog eyes might work if you were 4 and a girl and a lot less harry...oh and I'd have to give a "bleep". are SOL my dear SOL!

As we wait for the manager to come to our department, he asks in that "I'm just asking this so you will in turn as me the same thing" tone, how our day is going. We say just dandy....for real. That's what I said. To which I followed protocol by asking him how he was.

Can of worms opened.

In the most short story made long, we learned of how this week has been really rough for him as he got swindled at one mechanic's for a fix job that didn't seem fixed. Then because it was still having issues he decides to take it to another mechanic that says it needs the same part the other mechanic said it needed and subsequently charged him for said repairs. Hmmmmm I'm no genius here but I'm pretty sure cute little emotional man that they thought you were a girl and therefore took you for your money and did nothing for your car.

That's my hunch.


He will honor the other coupons cute little one has in his car (the very car that has been violated but not fixed) so Emo can get both pillows. Away walks Emo head tilted down towards the ground draggin his feet along the floor at a snails pace to get said coupons.

Check out was a blast! (insert sarcastic tone) Bleep was so polite and nice trying to hurry the guy out the door before he broke down into tears when STUPID me decides to wish him good luck on getting his car situation fixed.

I now have idiot stamped on my forehead....cause 10 minutes later he leaves the store.....I don't honestly recall what he said in those 10 minutes as I was just cursing myself for opening my otherwise smart mouth.

note to self: SHUT IT! and by smart...I mean smart ass.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

When husband's away, I talk the sales assiciates ear off

in the world of retail, you always meet some interesting people. ummm duh! Thus this blog I've started only after 5 weeks of working in the field and I have loads and loads of ammo for said blog. so today we are going to discuss the "chatty cathy's" I have encountered thus far. there are 2 particular women who come to mind when I think about overly enthusiastic and uuberly talkative consumers.

first lady shall be called "Loquacious". L was a nice little lady. She was lurking looking around the drapery section one day as I was making my GOTAPEN rounds around my half of the store. I asked the proverbial question "Can I help you find something today?" to which she replied with more than i ever expected in the form of a verbal novel. This novel started with how the curtains she was purchasing may or may not work for her guest room because she is redoing her guest room. Oh but wait....there's more. 30 minutes more of the stories she felt I needed to hear that day. I found out this lady had a 12 year old daughter (and a son but we didn't discuss him) and her daughter's room was decorated once with a bright pink motif but now that she is 12 she had matured to the oh so grown up aqua blue leopard print that she found really cheap at K.ohls. She loves K.ohl's and finds great deal on just about anything she needs there. Her daughter is rather sassy and the aqua blue leopard fits her demonstrative personality rather well so she was thrilled that she found it so cheaply as her daughter often changes her mind a lot. Glory days! she suggested I too go get the same fo my sassy daughter. The quest room however needs some work. Thus the curtains. On second thought, what if she redid her master bedroom and moved the curtains from her room down to the guest room where the treadmill was? The treadmill didn't get much use but it was still needed because once every blue moon her husband would use it and the only place for it was the downstairs guest room. So, the only other problem to fix would be the new comforter set she would have to buy for her room because if she got the new curtains she wanted for her room, the valences/curtains she had in her room would work great in the guest room. But since they JUST redid the master bathroom, she would need something to coordinate with those new colors. A pretty brown and green style with European themes. OH NO!! She forgot about the velvety green chaise lounge that was in her room by the window and that matched her now master comforter perfectly. Drats!! More to rethink. The green would be a hard green to match. She would have to bring the pillow from the lounge to see if the 17 comforters she found that she liked would match the pillow. ORRR she could move the chaise lounge down to the guest room and totally get different colors in the master. See, she LOVES to rearrange and redecorate ESPECIALLY when her husband is out of town. Which, he would be leaving that very next weekend. Jackpot! She was so very excited and now just needed a way to move the furniture so that she could have the guest room be her old master stuff and then.........

........I think I stopped listening. Cause at this point L and I had made it from draperies, to the comforter room to all over the comforter room to back to the draperies where I saw the valences she had chosen and the curtains she was thinking of for the guest room if she didn't redo her room but she really wanted to so these curtains would work for her new room depending on the comforter choice. We went back to the comforters to contemplate all the other choices she has because her husband was to be gone and she would go buy stuff while he was gone. Was she punishing him? I have no clue. Bored perhaps...who knows. But she seriously talked to me for about 30-45 minutes without stopping and I THINK I got one sentence in during the word vomit marathon.

Phew....I was going to write about the other lady who wanted to hash out her awkward window and how she didn't know what kind of draperies or even the rods to use for the windows. All I could think was that  looking at her talk about it made me want to just hug her. Odd reaction but she just seemed so depressed and she was so very hopeful that making this window pretty would better her life in some way. But, on second thought, I'm exhausted just rehashing Loquacious and her drama life.

i am here but to make you feel better about yourself. you're welcome.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

whatever do you need THAT for??

**disclaimer. I in no way shape or form prejudice against whites, blacks, hispanics, asians, lesbians, gays and anyone else in between. Just needed to share that for fear of someone misinterpreting this post.*

zoning. this is a constant thing we do at "shall remain nameless". this includes straigthening the towel room because apparently the refolding of towels eludes 99% of people. the rug room as well needs a constant watchful eye....cause if you don't, those rugs, well, they just JUMP right off the shelves and onto the floor without warning! I mean really! They remove themselves from the abundance of fellow matching rugs and simply plaster themselves on the floor. Like I said, without warning most times. So, we have to keep a close eye and tight reign on those suckers. The display room is the best room to zone. This is where you will find your matching shower curtains and rugs as well as the bath accessories to go along with it. Oh and the bath clearance section. Somehow, this section just gets torn up. What is it about this room that just breeds chaos and the incessant need to pull everything off the shelves, throw it back on a different shelf, swim through the clearance and the leave the wreckage all over the floor, push back all the decorative towels and overall, run through there with your hand out seeing what falls next?!

ANYWAYS!! This particular day I was zoning in said room. They train you that every once in a while when doing a project, zoning etc, you should stick your head out of the room and find customers to annoy greet. As I am approaching the aisle, I notice a short, cute, super skinny hispanic boy sprinting towards the front of the store turning his head this way and that obviously in search of something. So naturally, being the GOTAPEN dutiful employee of "shall remain nameless", I follow him towards the front. As I approach him in his panicked state I ask the appropriate "Is there something I can help you find today?" To which he replies in the highest girly little voice I've ever heard come out of an early 20's male mouth, "YES! I need lotion."

You need WHAT? -my thoughts as I look around the NOT b.ath and b.ody w.orks store.

"I am sooooo needing some lotion right now."

"Ok, well our very limited lotion selection is right this way."

"Oh pahhhhleeeease tell me you have foot lotion!"

"Why, yes we do. We have either the set right here, or just these small little individual tubes right here." (Imagine Vana White here people. I was workin the lotion angle cause boy needed some lotion BIG TIME!)

"Ok. Ok. This will work. Thanks."

Now, picture if you will this short, skinny, cute little gay hispanic boy with a voice to match bouncing around the end cap while I point out the lotions we have (or don't have). It serisouly reminded me of when someone needs to pee really badly and thy just can't stop hopping.....oh you know what I'm talkin about. Well, boy needed some lotion and if I let my morbid beastly mind wander....well, that's just not a pretty picture folks. I just never really thought lotion was such an urgent matter. My mistake!!!

Our encounter lasted all of 1 minute and the boy sprinted off towards the register with his much needed foot lotion and I go back to my zoning.

another interesting encounter with today's consumers.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Yes! Allow me! I have no other life than this.

ok. so my hero who spent almost $1000 in our store will have to wait for another day. it's wickedly awesome though.

Enter "that lady" with "that 12 year old princess daughter". This is the lady who comes in looking for a kitchen towel only to be bugged by daughter who sees all kinds of things to purchase that mom never says no to. So glad I was there with my "Can I help you find something?" lying in wait. I don't really feel this way most days, but this particular day I was in no mood to mess around with idiot people.

This wonderful day I had the AWESOME privilege of being alone on the floor during a saturday rush hour job. Seriously. Don't train me on the computer, throw me out on the floor and expect me to "get it". As they looked over the comforter sets, I asked them if they needed help. They said "No. We're fine." Naturally I let them alone. Then along comes an equally indecisive woman demanding help in the pillow room. I was paged over the walkies for this one. OOOOOOO! I'm special.

So, as I look up the very rare and only online specific pillow she is needing and attempt to answer their obviously uuberly important pillow questions, I see the 12 year old approaching. At this point I had called the SM over to answer this obscure question asked by pillow queen. This woman had no clue what she was asking and only asked this question to make it look like she knew what the hell she was looking for. She didn't. Not one little iota of knowing anything about the pillow. So, the SM answers her questions by what seems to me to be a load of b.s....but who am I do judge? He's had the "class"...I have not. While the SM takes over pillow talk.....ewwwww that brings all kinds of gross thoughts...I step aside to help the adorable little brat girl needing assistance.

What does this 12 year old need? A comforter set. From where you might ask? Just the very top row of the clearance section of comforters. Very top means like 15 feet tall walls....maybe even 20...I'm not good with judging height, or maybe I just like to exaggerate. Either way. Add to that the mother's knowing that the one I am getting down is the incorrect size. They just want to get a better look at the set so her daughter can get a better idea of what it really looks like. Ok. I understand.

So I go get the gigantic awkwardly rolling dangerous ladder to get up to the top shelf of clearance. No problem really because remember? I'm ladder certified.

The comforter set is brought down and her daughter looks at it for what seems like hours and then decides she wants to see if we have it in the right size. No problem. I'll go look it up on the computer that I am oh so trained on. I grab the comforter and head towards the computer. After much trial and error on the computer, (obviously due to  my sheer stupidity because I HAVE been trained on the computer...what with my log in info and all) I ask the SM to show me what I need to do to look up this particular comforter in a different size without the UPC or SKU on hand.

Yea! Some actual learning time/training from the best person suited to show me. Wait....what are you doing Mr. SM?? Why are you logging into YOUR Store Manager account? Why are you telling me that "You can't do it this way because my log in has different stuff and you're not allowed, but this is the fastest way to find what you're looking for."

What. The. Hell?? You throw me out here by myself, don't give me a computer number, 2 second training and THEN you show me way to look something up that I CAN'T DO?!!! That's a great way to run a store. Great. Thanks for the awesome lesson. You're stellar.

But hey, the comforter set was located and I brought said information back to the mom and 12 year. They chatted about it as I stood there holding the big awkward queen sized comforter complete with pillows, shams and sheets all wrapped in a plastic bag. Daughter looks at it again. They discussed going to the proper store to get the right size. Chatted some more about color and style. I sat there some more whilst holding said comforter. The daughter texted. Mom just stood there. I just stood there. 30 minutes had seriously gone by. Then the daughter asked THIS question....

"Can I see that one way up there?"

This was my saturday. 5 more hours of hell working for minimum wage baby!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

did i mention GOTAPEN-is this an anti anxiety pill?

I don't consider myself an ugly person. I'm no Cindy Crawford or Angelina Jolie but I'm no plastic surgery candidate either with a "if looks could kill" face. so, when I approach someone at the store, i don't really expect a reaction like I got on one of my first days solo on the floor.

imagine me walking up and down the aisles "Hi! How are you doing today?" "What can I help you find today?" (oooo did you see that? open ended question baby!!) "You doing alright today?" and so on and so forth. I'm walking towards the front of the store when I notice a lady with a shopping cart (and no I didn't O.ffer her a cart) looking at drapery. I pass a pillar holding some sort of lawn chair cover up and go around it to walk towards her. As I approach I say "Hi! How are you doing today?"

Now, imagine my surprise when she darts her head around mid touch and look at the drapery to say "fine" as quickly as Michael Johnson ran the 200 and as equally sheepish. Just a quickly as she said "fine", she had removed her hand from the drapery and was sprinting down the aisle away from me and never looked back. I know this because I stood there watching her cart take flight towards the other side of the store.

Was it something I said?? Do I have a gigantic bat in my cave? Oh wait....its my teeth! Crap! I always have food stuck in my teeth.

Whatever the reason, that lady bolted away from the drapery and my overly enthusiastic greeting. Lady, I don't work on commission and I assure you that I am not going to try and sell you that overly priced drapery for your guest room, master or living room. If you want it, you'll get it and I'll answer any questions you may have. So, go take some more Paxil and try your public outing again when you aren't scared into submission by my "Hi!" K. Thanks.

Tomorrow...the lady who bought almost $1000 worth of stuff.....damn you non-commission job!